The kind folks over at Thought Catalog thought my self-deprecation was amusing enough to post on their site! Gosh!
Without further ado... 8 Things You Forgot About Being Single
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Nature of the Beast
Guys are weird. Sure women exhibit some strange behaviors from time to time – mainly involving beauty tools that resemble medieval torture devices or our propensity to over-analyze everything – but guys, too, have their own freakishly odd yet charming gender-specific quirks if you observe them closely. You know, like primates at the zoo. Here are a few of my favorites:
Inside-out underwear
Because you only have to do laundry half as often if you wear ‘em twice as long.
Grunting while lifting weights
We get it: “Big. Strong. Man.” (Grr.) Next time I’m at the salon enduring a 3-hour highlight, I’m going to let out a barbarian-like wail when I bend over to pick up another copy of US Weekly.
Not using a washcloth
You know, for a gender that is terrified of dropping the soap, you’d think they would use a less risky route to cleanliness – although let’s not look the gift horse in the mouth, shall we? Statistical anomaly: Men who prefer the poof.
The handshake hug
Women hug. Men can’t be seen doing such things. The result: The handshake/pull-it-on-in-for-the-good-stuff move. I’ve tried this with some of my guy friends, and it really just ends up with someone inadvertently touching my boobs. Hey, wait a minute…
The every-other movie seat arrangement
It’s true. In the absence of a female, men will leave an extra seat between one another in the theatre. Couples see movies together. Men just happen to be watching the same movie at the same time…in the same theatre. (Bro.)
Refusing to drink out of a straw
Next time you see a man drinking from a straw, please send me a picture. Not only do the men I know not drink out of straws, they are vehemently opposed to it. To the point where spilling a 32 ounce soda all over the floorboards of your car is way better than being seen daintily drinking from the cylinder of doom.
The butt slap
Because after all that effort to ensure and assert his masculinity, nothing says “man” like tapping another dude on the ass after he scores the game-winning point.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Ring a Ding
There are lots of things I notice first about a man: his eyes, his hair, his overall demeanor.
His hands.
I know it sounds odd, but I can get an immediate sense about a person just from looking at their hands. Young, old, male, female: doesn’t matter. Strange? Perhaps. But whether you’re kind, hard-working, anxious or romantic, for reasons I’ll never understand, I can tell.
When it comes to men, however, one thing I never looked for while subconsciously surveying the terrain was a wedding ring — until recently.
For women in their mid-to-late 20s, the realization that the pool of potential candidates is getting smaller is a sobering one. For most, it’s enough to send hordes of us into the wild in a husband-hunting frenzy. But for those of us who don’t have our eyes on the prize, it’s more an amusing observation.
Throughout different stages of our dating lives, my girlfriends and I have found ourselves asking common questions about the men we’d meet. Those first few months after college, it was whether or not he had a job. Now, it’s marriage. And in a few years, “Does he have any kids?” “Is he divorced?” or “Does he have a working hip?” will probably be commonplace conversation.
But for now, it’s the quick glance of the eye to that ring finger. And if we can’t get a look, we’ll be asking.
This is particularly strange for me, since marriage has never really been top on my list of priorities. Sure, I may have over romanticized the idea of it with every guy I’ve dated between the ages of 18 and, well … last year, but the truth is the notion of having to share a bed with, brush my teeth next to, and give up a significant portion of my prized “me” time to another person every day for the rest of my life kind of makes me want to purchase my own private island somewhere. Truth be told, I like my space. A lot.
So I’m finding it increasingly humorous that my mind has been drifting toward a different set of digits these days — and wondering just how long I can revel in my independence before I may — just may — have to learn to cohabitate with another human being. Because while I’m not picking out a dress and china patterns quite yet, I’m starting to realize that this “whole life” I have to be married may actually be shorter than I thought.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
When Men Were Men
Oh, how I long for the days when men were men: three-piece suits, a firm handshake, that look of gentlemanly awe as a beautiful woman enters the room.
Not ordering fat free salad dressing.
Call me crazy (and I know you will, Brotha Fred, thanks), but I want to be with a man who is a man.
Leave the calorie counting, coordinated socks and manicures to us. I’m all for some gender-bending overlap from time to time – as any career-driven woman should be – but some roles, after all, exist for a reason.
While men are generally commended and encouraged to embrace some of the more typically feminine aspects of life (good communication skills, emotional transparency, showering daily – all of which I agree with), at the end of the day we still want to feel safe, stood up for, even pretty – none of which is possible when your man is one hair product away from being your new girlfriend.
But it’s not all styling goop and high-maintenance tendencies. What is most concerning is this new breed of man that has somehow evolved the capacity to think more than we do. I know. It seems impossible. But believe me when I tell you they do exist. And the outcome, much like some of you may feel about the “LOST” finale, is never good.
A few weeks ago a girlfriend of mine ended a brief relationship with a guy she had been seeing for about a month. Thrown for a loop about her decision, he dramatically told her to get out of his car (where the conversation took place), then obsessively sent her petty email after email relentlessly asking her to explain.
I, too, found myself in a similar situation once, but instead of emails the text messages were flying so fast I literally couldn’t reply in time before another popped up. I eventually gave up, not wanting to add fuel to the fire.
In both cases, these men had previously been known to phone us on occasion to over-analyze miniscule details of the relationship – everything from excessive concern about new-relationship doubts to accusatory questions about who we’d “really” eaten dinner with the night before. And in both cases, my girlfriend and I were left scratching our heads.
Where did these men come from?
Maybe our experiences had more to do with our former partners’ anger management issues than gender role reversal. (After all, I’m not particularly keen on equating borderline insanity with feminine emotion.) But, guys, on the whole, we prefer you to be the emotionally stronger sex. Not to say that we can’t handle it, but it’s bad enough trying to control the flurry of thoughts running through our own heads every five seconds without your worry or irrationality adding to it.
Psychologists call this phenomenon “folie a deux”: A condition in which symptoms of a mental disorder, such as the same delusional beliefs or ideas, occur simultaneously in two individuals who share a close relationship or association.
Now substitute “mental disorder” for emotional temperament. Same result.
In a relationship, one person must think less than the other. It simply won’t work any other way. And given how our minds are intrinsically built, it seems that men are more often – although clearly not always – best suited for this position. Ideally, it would be great if we could all learn to mutually create calm seas rather than catastrophe, but until then, we’d like you to take the helm.
Not ordering fat free salad dressing.
Call me crazy (and I know you will, Brotha Fred, thanks), but I want to be with a man who is a man.
Leave the calorie counting, coordinated socks and manicures to us. I’m all for some gender-bending overlap from time to time – as any career-driven woman should be – but some roles, after all, exist for a reason.
While men are generally commended and encouraged to embrace some of the more typically feminine aspects of life (good communication skills, emotional transparency, showering daily – all of which I agree with), at the end of the day we still want to feel safe, stood up for, even pretty – none of which is possible when your man is one hair product away from being your new girlfriend.
But it’s not all styling goop and high-maintenance tendencies. What is most concerning is this new breed of man that has somehow evolved the capacity to think more than we do. I know. It seems impossible. But believe me when I tell you they do exist. And the outcome, much like some of you may feel about the “LOST” finale, is never good.
A few weeks ago a girlfriend of mine ended a brief relationship with a guy she had been seeing for about a month. Thrown for a loop about her decision, he dramatically told her to get out of his car (where the conversation took place), then obsessively sent her petty email after email relentlessly asking her to explain.
I, too, found myself in a similar situation once, but instead of emails the text messages were flying so fast I literally couldn’t reply in time before another popped up. I eventually gave up, not wanting to add fuel to the fire.
In both cases, these men had previously been known to phone us on occasion to over-analyze miniscule details of the relationship – everything from excessive concern about new-relationship doubts to accusatory questions about who we’d “really” eaten dinner with the night before. And in both cases, my girlfriend and I were left scratching our heads.
Where did these men come from?
Maybe our experiences had more to do with our former partners’ anger management issues than gender role reversal. (After all, I’m not particularly keen on equating borderline insanity with feminine emotion.) But, guys, on the whole, we prefer you to be the emotionally stronger sex. Not to say that we can’t handle it, but it’s bad enough trying to control the flurry of thoughts running through our own heads every five seconds without your worry or irrationality adding to it.
Psychologists call this phenomenon “folie a deux”: A condition in which symptoms of a mental disorder, such as the same delusional beliefs or ideas, occur simultaneously in two individuals who share a close relationship or association.
Now substitute “mental disorder” for emotional temperament. Same result.
In a relationship, one person must think less than the other. It simply won’t work any other way. And given how our minds are intrinsically built, it seems that men are more often – although clearly not always – best suited for this position. Ideally, it would be great if we could all learn to mutually create calm seas rather than catastrophe, but until then, we’d like you to take the helm.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Interview With an Adulteress
Noel Biderman says he's not encouraging anyone to have an affair - he's just giving them a place to do it.
Since its launch in Canada in 2002 (stateside in '07), nearly six million people have signed up to cheat on their spouses through his controversial married dating service, AshleyMadison.com. Biderman, a happily married (allegedly faithful) man and father of two children, says America's view of marriage is too conservative: Sex, quite simply, needs to be removed as a central tenet of marriage. If all your needs are being met in every other way, he says, why dissolve your union simply because of one physical incompatibility?
Here, one woman backs up that claim. Valeria (not the name on her birth certificate), a 29-year-old resident of SouthPark and two-year member of Ashley Madison, is just one of over 500 newlywed women in Charlotte secretly seeking bliss outside their bedrooms through the site - a figure that's nearly doubled since April 2009 (not counting this year's post-Mother's Day explosion). She recently spoke with me about her experiences and why she ascribes to the Ashley Madison philosophy, "Life is short. Have an affair."
Why have you agreed to speak on behalf of Ashley Madison?
I guess the confessional part of it is interesting to me.
What is unsatisfying about your marriage?
My husband's low sex drive. He was always ready to go when we first started dating, but after we were married, it had almost completely evaporated. I, on the other hand, have a very high sex drive.
Does your husband know that you are unsatisfied in the bedroom?
Yes, but I try not to be confrontational about it anymore.
Do you believe that you can get all your needs met by one person?
I don't know. I think the word "needs" is a false expectation - like we have a finite number of needs that can be enumerated and listed. I believe that we can have edifying experiences that allow us to learn about ourselves.
How many affairs have you had?
I've had two encounters with the same man (my first affair), and then I've had a series of encounters (still ongoing) with a couple (who are unmarried).
Why stray? Why not just get divorced?
I do genuinely love him. It is just this one aspect where we are not compatible.
Before joining Ashley Madison, had you always found it easy to have casual sex?
I never really had casual sex prior to this. I was rather conservative in high school and in college. It was right around the time that I started dating my husband that I sort of had my sexual awakening.
Do you ever feel guilty? How hard is it to keep this secret from your husband?
I do feel guilty if I dwell upon it for too long. But there are always ways to justify something. It is easy to hide it from him, as he travels a lot on business.
I think it's interesting you primarily see a couple now.
Anything else you want to know about that?
Anything else you want to tell me about that?
I'm not sure... You are the first person I have told about it. Not even my best girlfriend or sister knows!
Tell me more about the nervousness of your first affair. Was it like a date or strictly sex?
In our initial correspondence, we were both pretty blunt about what we were looking for. We met at a hotel bar for a few drinks, and after about two hours of small talk, we both had enough courage to go through with it. He was very laid back, but we were both giggly about the whole thing, which helped.
Were you nervous about joining the couple?
Not as much. There was a genuine friendship connection between me and her at first, and this was their first time with another person as well. There was no real pressure at all. We corresponded over the course of a few weeks, and gradually our e-mails became more explicit. By the time we first met in person, there was so much pent-up sexual energy that it just flowed very organically.
You've taken some pretty big experimental leaps over the last couple years, compared to what you've said about your past...
It is part of myself that I am learning about and mapping. I don't see this as a lifestyle for me. It's more like an educational phase.
What is your philosophy on monogamy?
I believe in emotional monogamy.
Women typically have a hard time separating emotions and sex. Have you made any emotional connections with those you've had affairs with?
With the first man, it was more nervous energy than true emotion. However, I do have a genuine connection with the couple I see now. I thought I could compartmentalize this aspect of my life, and to a certain degree I can. It being clandestine certainly helps in that regard. But one time, early in the affair, they had to cancel on me at the last minute, and it was then that I realized I had a deeper connection to them than just casual sex. I felt a bit wounded. I wouldn't necessarily call it love - more like deep physical affection.
Again, why get married? Why not have a lifelong best friend and just continue casually dating, which is essentially what you're doing - minus the big, expensive ceremony and legal documents?
I do believe that he is my life mate - we will be with each other for a very long time. I believe this affair is just a season for me, something I am exploring my way through.
Responses were edited for clarity and brevity.
Since its launch in Canada in 2002 (stateside in '07), nearly six million people have signed up to cheat on their spouses through his controversial married dating service, AshleyMadison.com. Biderman, a happily married (allegedly faithful) man and father of two children, says America's view of marriage is too conservative: Sex, quite simply, needs to be removed as a central tenet of marriage. If all your needs are being met in every other way, he says, why dissolve your union simply because of one physical incompatibility?
Here, one woman backs up that claim. Valeria (not the name on her birth certificate), a 29-year-old resident of SouthPark and two-year member of Ashley Madison, is just one of over 500 newlywed women in Charlotte secretly seeking bliss outside their bedrooms through the site - a figure that's nearly doubled since April 2009 (not counting this year's post-Mother's Day explosion). She recently spoke with me about her experiences and why she ascribes to the Ashley Madison philosophy, "Life is short. Have an affair."
Why have you agreed to speak on behalf of Ashley Madison?
I guess the confessional part of it is interesting to me.
What is unsatisfying about your marriage?
My husband's low sex drive. He was always ready to go when we first started dating, but after we were married, it had almost completely evaporated. I, on the other hand, have a very high sex drive.
Does your husband know that you are unsatisfied in the bedroom?
Yes, but I try not to be confrontational about it anymore.
Do you believe that you can get all your needs met by one person?
I don't know. I think the word "needs" is a false expectation - like we have a finite number of needs that can be enumerated and listed. I believe that we can have edifying experiences that allow us to learn about ourselves.
How many affairs have you had?
I've had two encounters with the same man (my first affair), and then I've had a series of encounters (still ongoing) with a couple (who are unmarried).
Why stray? Why not just get divorced?
I do genuinely love him. It is just this one aspect where we are not compatible.
Before joining Ashley Madison, had you always found it easy to have casual sex?
I never really had casual sex prior to this. I was rather conservative in high school and in college. It was right around the time that I started dating my husband that I sort of had my sexual awakening.
Do you ever feel guilty? How hard is it to keep this secret from your husband?
I do feel guilty if I dwell upon it for too long. But there are always ways to justify something. It is easy to hide it from him, as he travels a lot on business.
I think it's interesting you primarily see a couple now.
Anything else you want to know about that?
Anything else you want to tell me about that?
I'm not sure... You are the first person I have told about it. Not even my best girlfriend or sister knows!
Tell me more about the nervousness of your first affair. Was it like a date or strictly sex?
In our initial correspondence, we were both pretty blunt about what we were looking for. We met at a hotel bar for a few drinks, and after about two hours of small talk, we both had enough courage to go through with it. He was very laid back, but we were both giggly about the whole thing, which helped.
Were you nervous about joining the couple?
Not as much. There was a genuine friendship connection between me and her at first, and this was their first time with another person as well. There was no real pressure at all. We corresponded over the course of a few weeks, and gradually our e-mails became more explicit. By the time we first met in person, there was so much pent-up sexual energy that it just flowed very organically.
You've taken some pretty big experimental leaps over the last couple years, compared to what you've said about your past...
It is part of myself that I am learning about and mapping. I don't see this as a lifestyle for me. It's more like an educational phase.
What is your philosophy on monogamy?
I believe in emotional monogamy.
Women typically have a hard time separating emotions and sex. Have you made any emotional connections with those you've had affairs with?
With the first man, it was more nervous energy than true emotion. However, I do have a genuine connection with the couple I see now. I thought I could compartmentalize this aspect of my life, and to a certain degree I can. It being clandestine certainly helps in that regard. But one time, early in the affair, they had to cancel on me at the last minute, and it was then that I realized I had a deeper connection to them than just casual sex. I felt a bit wounded. I wouldn't necessarily call it love - more like deep physical affection.
Again, why get married? Why not have a lifelong best friend and just continue casually dating, which is essentially what you're doing - minus the big, expensive ceremony and legal documents?
I do believe that he is my life mate - we will be with each other for a very long time. I believe this affair is just a season for me, something I am exploring my way through.
Responses were edited for clarity and brevity.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Whoa, Tiger
Guys, I'll admit it. We women are a fickle breed.
Play too hard to get, and we think you're rude, insensitive, or flat out disinterested. Too persistent, and you're as creepy as a mustachioed man in an ice cream truck.
I do not envy you.
If you already have a girlfriend and are in that ooey-gooey "I totally want to marry you" stage, what follows does not apply to you. You're pretty much home free to do whatever you want. Go ahead. Text her 72 times a day. Call her after every major meal or commercial break during the big game. Odds are she hasn't stopped thinking about you since the last time you hung up ("No, you hang up first. No, YOU hang up first!"), and your friends have already begun filing missing persons reports since the two of you mysteriously dropped off the face of the planet... and into each other's arms.
These things are commonplace after you've established some kind of legitimate relationship - especially in those first couple months. But until you get there, tread lightly. Very lightly. (But not too lightly...) We want you to step up to the plate - not overrun the bases.
So, how much is too much?
Unfortunately, your creep factor is going to be dependent on the woman - and her level of interest - but there are still a few major no-nos that will take any woman from swoon to too-much-too-soon before you tell her you've named your unborn children.
1. The "I miss you" text
Also related: The premature "I love you." How long have you known each other? Three days? I know it feels like love, but so does eating the perfect cheesesteak.
2. In case of amnesia
True story: Girlfriend of mine meets divinely handsome guy. Guy asks girl out. Girl says yes. Guy requests a picture of her in case he forgets what she looks like between now and date. Girlfriend asks me if this sounds weird. I'm sorry, what will he be doing with that picture, again? Run, girlfriend!!
3. Gifts galore
Small (read again: small) tokens of affection are cute. A single flower or a funny card (minus the hand-written love poem) shows that you are thoughtful and have a sense of humor. A dozen roses or one of those large, egg-shaped balloons with a stuffed bear inside? ... Will only make her want to trade places with the bear.
4. "Random" sightings
"Wow! Funny seeing you here!" Is it? Is it funny? You know what's not funny? A restraining order.
5. Calling her at work
Whether she's serving French fries or mingling with the suits and ties, if you can't cool it for a few hours without hearing from her, congratulations: You've earned yourself Stage Five Clinger status.
6. Meet the parents
It is quite unfortunate you two just happened to have met the week of Thanksgiving/Earth Day/(fill in obscure holiday here) and your mom, dad and great aunt Millie will be arriving in town this afternoon. One spot at the dinner table that won't be filled: hers.
7. Annoying alternatives
She had to cancel your date Monday night and was somewhat vague as to why. You offer up Thursday or Friday instead. She says she has to check her calendar. You say Wednesday or Saturday lunch could work, too. She says she'll call you later this week. You say maybe beers by the pool on Sunday? She's... exhausted.
8. Liking her too much
OK, OK. I realize this is the big Catch 22. The one that twists your brain into Rubik's cube-like confusion until you give up all hope and swear off women altogether. What I'm talking about here are the freakishly excited exclamations of affection to your peers that leave us feeling more like a prized piece of arm candy than an actual prospective mate. Examples: "Hey guys, look! It's my girlfriend!" and "Yes! I'm really dating her! Can you believe it?"
Funny. We just asked ourselves the same thing.
Play too hard to get, and we think you're rude, insensitive, or flat out disinterested. Too persistent, and you're as creepy as a mustachioed man in an ice cream truck.
I do not envy you.
If you already have a girlfriend and are in that ooey-gooey "I totally want to marry you" stage, what follows does not apply to you. You're pretty much home free to do whatever you want. Go ahead. Text her 72 times a day. Call her after every major meal or commercial break during the big game. Odds are she hasn't stopped thinking about you since the last time you hung up ("No, you hang up first. No, YOU hang up first!"), and your friends have already begun filing missing persons reports since the two of you mysteriously dropped off the face of the planet... and into each other's arms.
These things are commonplace after you've established some kind of legitimate relationship - especially in those first couple months. But until you get there, tread lightly. Very lightly. (But not too lightly...) We want you to step up to the plate - not overrun the bases.
So, how much is too much?
Unfortunately, your creep factor is going to be dependent on the woman - and her level of interest - but there are still a few major no-nos that will take any woman from swoon to too-much-too-soon before you tell her you've named your unborn children.
1. The "I miss you" text
Also related: The premature "I love you." How long have you known each other? Three days? I know it feels like love, but so does eating the perfect cheesesteak.
2. In case of amnesia
True story: Girlfriend of mine meets divinely handsome guy. Guy asks girl out. Girl says yes. Guy requests a picture of her in case he forgets what she looks like between now and date. Girlfriend asks me if this sounds weird. I'm sorry, what will he be doing with that picture, again? Run, girlfriend!!
3. Gifts galore
Small (read again: small) tokens of affection are cute. A single flower or a funny card (minus the hand-written love poem) shows that you are thoughtful and have a sense of humor. A dozen roses or one of those large, egg-shaped balloons with a stuffed bear inside? ... Will only make her want to trade places with the bear.
4. "Random" sightings
"Wow! Funny seeing you here!" Is it? Is it funny? You know what's not funny? A restraining order.
5. Calling her at work
Whether she's serving French fries or mingling with the suits and ties, if you can't cool it for a few hours without hearing from her, congratulations: You've earned yourself Stage Five Clinger status.
6. Meet the parents
It is quite unfortunate you two just happened to have met the week of Thanksgiving/Earth Day/(fill in obscure holiday here) and your mom, dad and great aunt Millie will be arriving in town this afternoon. One spot at the dinner table that won't be filled: hers.
7. Annoying alternatives
She had to cancel your date Monday night and was somewhat vague as to why. You offer up Thursday or Friday instead. She says she has to check her calendar. You say Wednesday or Saturday lunch could work, too. She says she'll call you later this week. You say maybe beers by the pool on Sunday? She's... exhausted.
8. Liking her too much
OK, OK. I realize this is the big Catch 22. The one that twists your brain into Rubik's cube-like confusion until you give up all hope and swear off women altogether. What I'm talking about here are the freakishly excited exclamations of affection to your peers that leave us feeling more like a prized piece of arm candy than an actual prospective mate. Examples: "Hey guys, look! It's my girlfriend!" and "Yes! I'm really dating her! Can you believe it?"
Funny. We just asked ourselves the same thing.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Unwifeable
In honor of the new book “Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won’t Be Dating or Having Sex,” I decided to poll various members of the male species to see what they consider female deal-breaker behavior. After reading their responses, and getting a few “Save me!” glances lately from men on the street, I’m thinking this may be long overdue.
Don’t worry – “Sex and the City” marathons didn’t make the list.
Here are the top 10 that did:
1. Smoking
Don’t worry – “Sex and the City” marathons didn’t make the list.
Here are the top 10 that did:
1. Smoking
Ladies, men don’t like it when you smoke. Quite frankly, no one does. Truth is, you smell. Yes, you. All of you. And it’s not just you that literally stinks – so does your lack of reverence for your overall health.
2. Drugs/Excessive Drinking
See above. Add a splash of embarrassing and irresponsible behavior, lack of motivation and a total disconnection from reality, and you’d have to be on drugs to not see they’re major turn-off. Men want to be your boyfriend, not your babysitter or bail bondsman. The only commitments you should be making are to each other – not the rehabilitation clinic.
3. Jealousy
See Also: Disproportionate Irrationality. Listen, women are emotional. We get it. Men, however, often do not. But that does not relieve you of the responsibility of keeping your emotions in check. You want to challenge your boyfriend – not make his life challenging. For the betterment of your relationship and the perception of our entire gender, it would behoove you to get a grip every once in a while.
4. Excessive Vanity/Makeup
NEWS FLASH! Guys actually want you to look like yourself – a version of yourself that doesn’t require weekly trips to the spa for peels, pedicures and whatever-the-heck else you’re doing. Also related: Speaking like a Valley girl (Ohhhh my GAH!) and designer purses (It’s real! Look at the lining!)
5. Massively Low Self-Esteem
Plain and simple: Your boyfriend is not your therapist. Period. If you need one, get one. Men do not exist simply to fulfill an unacknowledged void in your life, and complaining about yourself is, in fact, not an actual form of conversation (not to mention, extremely unattractive).
6. Intelligence (or lack thereof)
Time to hit the books! Men want a woman who can actually hold a conversation and (gasp!) know what she is talking about. And we’re not just talking about who’s getting paid most on “Jersey Shore.”
7. Sense of Entitlement
Also known as: Daddy’s Little Girl Syndrome. Symptoms include insatiability, whining, stubbornness, aggressive demands and pouting. Behaviors no girl over the age of four should exhibit – ever.
8. Debt
You, big spender, are a sham. You’re living so far outside your means, you’re not even in the same zip code. Unless you plan on moving back sometime soon, the only long-term relationship you’ll be having is the one with your bill collector.
9. Messiness
Think your habits will never be as disgusting as a man’s? Think again. Sure we’ve all seen barbaric beer cans in the shower and skid-marked boxers strewn about a bathroom floor, but any woman who has lived with other women knows of the filth we, too, are capable. Grab the Clorox and get to work.
10. Pet Obsession
Fi Fi and Schmoopy do not look so cutsey-wootsey in their wittle matching booties. Dogs are good for running and jumping and sniffing each other’s butts. They also, thankfully, make great companions. They are not, however, glorified Barbie dolls. And if you must have a cat, keep it to one. Your man only has room for one high-maintenance animal in his life – and it’s (barely) you.
2. Drugs/Excessive Drinking
See above. Add a splash of embarrassing and irresponsible behavior, lack of motivation and a total disconnection from reality, and you’d have to be on drugs to not see they’re major turn-off. Men want to be your boyfriend, not your babysitter or bail bondsman. The only commitments you should be making are to each other – not the rehabilitation clinic.
3. Jealousy
See Also: Disproportionate Irrationality. Listen, women are emotional. We get it. Men, however, often do not. But that does not relieve you of the responsibility of keeping your emotions in check. You want to challenge your boyfriend – not make his life challenging. For the betterment of your relationship and the perception of our entire gender, it would behoove you to get a grip every once in a while.
4. Excessive Vanity/Makeup
NEWS FLASH! Guys actually want you to look like yourself – a version of yourself that doesn’t require weekly trips to the spa for peels, pedicures and whatever-the-heck else you’re doing. Also related: Speaking like a Valley girl (Ohhhh my GAH!) and designer purses (It’s real! Look at the lining!)
5. Massively Low Self-Esteem
Plain and simple: Your boyfriend is not your therapist. Period. If you need one, get one. Men do not exist simply to fulfill an unacknowledged void in your life, and complaining about yourself is, in fact, not an actual form of conversation (not to mention, extremely unattractive).
6. Intelligence (or lack thereof)
Time to hit the books! Men want a woman who can actually hold a conversation and (gasp!) know what she is talking about. And we’re not just talking about who’s getting paid most on “Jersey Shore.”
7. Sense of Entitlement
Also known as: Daddy’s Little Girl Syndrome. Symptoms include insatiability, whining, stubbornness, aggressive demands and pouting. Behaviors no girl over the age of four should exhibit – ever.
8. Debt
You, big spender, are a sham. You’re living so far outside your means, you’re not even in the same zip code. Unless you plan on moving back sometime soon, the only long-term relationship you’ll be having is the one with your bill collector.
9. Messiness
Think your habits will never be as disgusting as a man’s? Think again. Sure we’ve all seen barbaric beer cans in the shower and skid-marked boxers strewn about a bathroom floor, but any woman who has lived with other women knows of the filth we, too, are capable. Grab the Clorox and get to work.
10. Pet Obsession
Fi Fi and Schmoopy do not look so cutsey-wootsey in their wittle matching booties. Dogs are good for running and jumping and sniffing each other’s butts. They also, thankfully, make great companions. They are not, however, glorified Barbie dolls. And if you must have a cat, keep it to one. Your man only has room for one high-maintenance animal in his life – and it’s (barely) you.
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